The Mended Tear

So… I had a friend for YEARS that I stopped communicating with because, in my mind, I was a victim. I thought, based on inside conversations, that she didn’t like me. I thought, based on my own scenario, that I had been used and thrown away. I essentially hurt my own feelings. In those days I was always the victim. 

Well, last week I was scrolling IG and saw a recommended clip of her at a speaking event with hundreds of people. I didn’t scroll. I stayed and watched the whole thing and smiled, but the tear forming in my eye pricked me. I was reminded that we weren’t friends anymore because she didn’t like me. I was reminded that I had blocked her on every platform and I shouldn’t even see her stuff. So I told IG I didn’t like the recommendation and kept scrolling.

Later that day, I remembered us laughing, us in class together, us on the phone and at dinner together and I got sad. I pushed those thoughts away as well. The next day, I remembered her telling me a guy I was dating was trash and that I deserved better, that offended me because I loved dumpster diving for men back then..lol. I remembered that she gave me a course to work on my image and inner healing, so I did. After all those memories I still pushed all that stuff down because what good would it do now? I hadn’t spoken to her in literal YEARS. She is wealthy now, has staff, has thousands of followers, and surely doesn’t remember me. And even if she did, the self-perceived slight in my mind was still there!

Well, yesterday while on a tour bus in Quebec, I got a text from her. A range of emotions hit me everything from anger, to shock, to wondering if she was texting the right person, to agitation. I read it and felt calm. I actually cried. I told her that I thought she wasn’t my friend and why. She said, “I wish you had come to me to talk about it”

This was my problem and apparently still is. God brought her face to me for a reason, and because I was stubborn as an ox, He then brought her to me. Let me tell y’all this: harboring unforgiveness and pride only hurts you. I’ve lived with this hurt and offense for YEARS. I know why I felt justified in my slight, because I didn’t like having hard conversations with her. I didn’t like that she called me out and I didn’t like that I couldn’t just say anything around her. If I said I couldn’t do a thing, she challenged it. I could go on and on, but I won’t. The offense was in my mind. The slight was in my own mind. Since I’ve renewed my mind things in my life have shifted. I’m just glad that this particular tear has been mended.