I quiet quit life a few days ago. I have nothing—no desire to do anything about anything. As I sit and think about the many disappointments and failed ventures, I decided, that’s it. The towel is thrown. I’ve done something wrong, or I am not who I think I am.
I face this grim reality with a determination to start over—better. I’ve never cried so much. I think my brook is drying up. I have failed at seemingly everything—everything from relationships, to books to the retreats to the Bible distribution to business ventures & investments and then my job (business). The biggest of them being my business. I work six to seven days a week and barely make enough to cover expenses. It’s like the biggest of all the mistakes. I won’t bore you with the specifics because many of you understand how using cards to pay expenses is not a good idea.
It has been a hard two years. In the past, I’ve gone with what I think I heard from God and not what’s logical. I can’t blame God for this… At this point, I don’t think He even knows who I am. There is no way He can see me as a daughter in my current state. This was me making my way in life, trying to take some pressure off and get ahead. None of it has worked.
I did a vision board last year and put it in front of my bed on the dresser—to look at every night while praying. I had big plans, big dreams and goals. Nothing on it has come to pass. Two days ago, I moved it behind the dresser, never to see it again. I don’t wanna see my failed dreams and be faced with the reality that this is my life—for real. The board used to bring me joy and excitement, now all I feel is pain. I don’t wanna be encouraged.. save it for someone with hope.
I just wanna get through the next few months of obligations and put it all behind me. All of the bad investments and premature plans. What a mess. I’ve burned bridges. I’ve isolated myself. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me or if I can ever be fixed. I just needed to get this out and focus on reinventing myself one more time.
Who knew life could be so difficult? I’m almost 50 and have nothing to show for my life. It can be sobering. The only upside is depression takes away the appetite and I’m down 17lbs.
If you’re reading this and smiling or you’ve watched my page waiting for this, here you go. You win. I hope it brings you some joy. Someone should have some.
iamkimblakes 
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4 responses to “Quiet quitting”
Hey, there. I didn’t want to reply on your blog page because I am kind of an introverted person and when I share I usually don’t like to do it in public. So, I hope you don’t mind this more personal response to your post from today.
No one in their right mind would gain any joy out of reading that you are in a hard place now. Of course, just looking around our society shows us that there are plenty of people not in their right minds, but we don’t listen to them.
Depression sucks. It sucks life, sucks joy, sucks happiness, even sucks our desire for God and our relationship with Him. I have been there numerous times, before and after being saved at the age of almost 41.
There have been times when I was so depressed that I hated to see daylight, hated to go to work, hated to function. The worst part for me, I think, was that it was my own fault and the only one I had to blame was the one I hated to look at in the mirror. I share this to say that while I cannot understand exactly how you are feeling, I think I can at least look upon my own life and try to commiserate. I don’t know you personally, of course, but I care about you and want you to know that you are not alone. And that despite anything and everything, once we belong to God, He will not cast us out, not leave us, not stop listening to us, not stop loving us.
If you are like me, the hardest thing to do when we feel this way is the first thing we need to do – run, run, run to the throne of grace and mercy.
I want to encourage you to keep going, keep being honest, keep trying, keep running to the throne. You might see me there.
Love in Jesus, Sandy Cox
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Thank you so much for your transparency and for sharing your own desert experience. I’m trying my best to pull myself up or even look in the mirror. I know this will pass, it has before.. and God doesn’t change. Thank you
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Girl, I have no words but I want you to know that I’m praying for you and your mindset. Some times life seems to want to beat us up and kick us when we are down. But we both know that God has us exactly where He wants us and can use us when we are most vulnerable. Please don’t lose sight of what God says about you. You are loved beyond measure and are a great value to Him and so many others! Your words speak to so many and you have brought many closer to Him! You have piles of rewards in Heaven!!! Don’t let this world win! This is a temporary place that we are just passing through. Now, wash your face, straighten your jacket and keep putting one step in front of the other. What you aren’t is a quitter!!! {{{{hugs}}}} xoxo
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Kimberly, I’m just getting around to reading your blogs! Keeping a newborn has me in a crunch! So I’m sitting here, just opened the email, and what I’m reading, I said someone has hacked your blog! My heart sank,😭😭because reading this brought tears, and I can relate, believe me. I’m not going to say anything, and just going to God on your behalf! Lord you know Kim, and you know exactly what she needs. I could write a book on my downfalls, so you’re not alone! Just don’t lose Faith, because this too will pass! Love you, and I’m here for you!🫶🏽
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