Doors Not Walls

Last night, I decided to bring in the New Year with a hot bubble bath with Epsom salt for age. While in the bath, I began to thank God for everything He has done in my life, then I found myself asking Him to give me authentic connections and a relationship. I have never felt what it was like to have the real love of a man and I just wanted to ask why. What was wrong with me? This made me cry because I never wanted to ask anything like that. See if I ignored it, it wouldn’t hurt so much. I didn’t want to burden Him with things that felt so insignificant in the grand scheme of everything going on.

I felt embarrassed for all of it and abruptly closed my mouth, distracting myself with the bubbles in my lap. Then, I thought about my life and how I’m alone 95% of the time—how even on holidays, I don’t expect to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. Christmas just passed and if it weren’t for Ruthie I would’ve sat another day isolated from the world looking at my phone. I’m embarrassed to say this but I have nothing to lose. With my own hands I’ve built a wall around my heart and purposely left off the door. A wall can be good if it has a door, but a wall without a door will stop everyone from coming in, a door allows the right people in.

Sadly, I think the last relationship did something to my brain. It was the last straw. I was tired of hoping and helping, with nothing in return from anyone. I saw myself as ugly and unlovable and didn’t ever want to burden another person with me. So, I hide behind the screen. This is better. This is safer, but it’s not Gods best for me.

Even when I plan my future or trips, nothing in me factors in anyone. While those intrusive thoughts were bubbling to the surface, my spirit told me it was a trauma response and that I still hadn’t forgiven myself for making such a mess of my life.

So, in 2025, I endeavor to really work on me in every area. I want to soften my heart to people. I want to be open and less of a robot in self preservation mode. I want to build authentic, lasting connections and go out into the world. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of watching life from the sidelines. I want to join the game of life—and love.

So here’s to letting go of all of it.

🥂Here’s to living life out loud without apology.

🥂Here’s to getting whole, taking my life back and doing hard things.

The best is yet to come.. Happy New Year.