This is RAGE. My days have been consumed with the story at hand. I’m back there in every way. It has been more than 30 years, and everything is STILL just as fresh as it was the day it happened! I thought, “time heals all wounds.” Time hasn’t healed ANYTHING. I thought that with all the deliverance, prayer, fasting, forgiving, and evangelism, I would be free of everything that happened. I have tried my BEST. I have laid it on the altar and then laid it down again, but still, I can’t write a single blog entry of this series without violent tears. I am trying my best. I didn’t want to share this chapter of my messed-up life; I knew it would affect me much deeper than the first series. Writing it takes me back, I can remember every emotion, sound, sight and smell.
Then I walk through the corridors of my heart and mind and realize not one chapter of my life is sweet or normal. One train wreck right into the next. I wish I had some cute clean life to tell you about, I just don’t.. these chards of glass are the making of me. I really hope that me laying bare for dissection is helping someone to face their ugly part. I just don’t understand why I can’t be normal. Why I can’t have a mundane, mediocre life. Why, every time something happens, it’s extraordinary. Sigh. I’m just tired. I’m depleted. I have nothing left in me. I just want to stop. I don’t want to write ANY of this! But every time I stop and lay my phone down to breathe, some other memory is unearthed, and I’m pulled back to the figurative pen. It spills out even when I try to restrain it. I’ve decided that I’m going to walk this wilderness through because I KNOW that there HAS to be something on the other side.
iamkimblakes 
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7 responses to “Rage”
I have had nothing to compare to what you have gone through. However, I do struggle with guilt for the majority of my life choices. It’s hard to forgive myself of hurting someone I love, & I’ve done that often. God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself. I cry often when something from my past comes in my mind. If you get some clearance from the writing, keep doing it. Much love.
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Thank you for sharing.. I wanna encourage you to forgive YOU, release YOU. None of us have made it, we all have our crosses to bare, every chapter has something. Ask the Lord to help you release yourself of everything that hinders you, He is faithful and will do it.
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Sis, I cannot imagine how hard this is for you to relive, but I believe God is using your written words to help heal you and others who have gone through similar trauma. Love you!
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I wish this was the hardest of the entries.. but it’s not. This has been absolutely horrible. I didn’t realize I had not processed ANYTHING. Thank you so much for the encouragement
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Kim, you are amazing, I know this must be hard to relive, but God is using you to help others. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
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Thank you so much for reading, it makes reopening the wounds worth it to know that someone could be helped.
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Kimberly, You know what’s on the other side, FREEDOM. Maybe God has lead you to put your thoughts, hurts, shame, etc. all of it on paper. Get it out! Because He knows that speaking, talking, sharing our hurts, shame, heartaches, not only helps others but it helps us, too. It’s therapy. It’s conditioning. It’s releasing the pain that we carry and eventually drowns us. I’m proud of you. I’m happy for you. I’m relieved for you. You are doing important things. Things that matter. Thank you for your courage and determination. It’s very inspiring. {{{hugs}}}
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